Amanda
Borlin
2/20/12
One of the
first Asian girls I befriended was when I was in 5th grade, at Orchard Middle
school. Lillian was a beautiful girl, shoulder length black silky hair,
inviting eyes, shining olive skin, and a very petite figure. I remember her always doing well on
projects in every class, standing out as a student even in 5th
grade--I would always ask her for answers when I could. I would ask Lillian if
we could hangout outside of school, such as having a sleepover like normal kids do, and she would kindly
tell me she couldn’t, because of her parents. She most likely had to practice
the violin or go over schoolwork with her mother. I was concerned, and I
confided in my other friends who were close with Lillian as well, and they told
me that her parents were extremely strict, and would often beat her. 5th
grade was probably the last time I talked to Lillian, we went to the same high
school, and she proceeded to dominate in academics as well as playing the
violin. She is now a freshman at Duke University. This may be one story of success
resulting from strict, overbearing parents, but does this parenting always lead to success?
Are there downfalls of this tactic? One very intelligent Chinese mother, Amy
Chua, believes this type of parenting can, and will lead to success.
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| Amy Chua, picture from Time Magazine |
Yale law
professor, and known “tiger mom,” Amy Chua sets herself apart as a Chinese
mother. Chua wrote the book Battle Hymn
of the Tiger Mother, proudly describing the authoritarian way she raised
her children. Chua states that many people wonder how Chinese parents raise
such successful kids, and she simply knows how it works, because she has put
her children through it. An excerpt from her book, and featured in The Wall Street Journal, "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior," Chua states that, “Even when western parents
think they’re being strict, they usually don’t come close to being Chinese
mothers.” Chua uses the terms “Western” and “Chinese mother very loosely, and
claims that western parents have a tendency to be easier on their children, and
won’t push them as hard as a Chinese mother would. Chua has two daughters,
Sophia who is now 19, and Lulu who is a few years younger. Chua would go so far
disciplining them, such has making them practice violin and piano on end,
getting nothing but A’s, calling them garbage if they disrespected her, and
even threatening to donate one's possessions if one wasn’t able to play an
intricate piano piece by the end of the week. According to Chua, “there are three big differences
between the Chinese and western parental mindsets.” The first being that
western parents care too much about their child’s self-esteem, while Chinese
parents do not sugar coat towards their children, not caring as closely about
their child’s self-esteem. Second, Chinese parents believe their kids owe them
everything, such as respect, outstanding grades, hard work, and so forth.
Third, Chinese parents believe they know what is best for their children, and
will control what activities their children participate in. These claims sound
familiar, coming from a large high school, it was and still is very diverse, and all of the kids with Chinese parents we're likely in the orchestra, on the debate team, and were very involved in academics. So maybe this type of parenting allows the child to succeed academically, but does this mean that this type of parenting is best for the
child?
Gwen Dewar,
an author who wrote, “Authoritarian parenting: How does it affect the kids?” explains what
exactly authoritarianism in parenting is, in which, “The authoritarian
parenting style is about being strict and stern,” and set to extreme standards, as well as enforcing limits on their children. In a comparative study about child
temperament and parenting in Beijing, they found that, “Chinese mothers and
fathers in this study were found to be more authoritarian than their US
counterparts”(Hulei 549). The study also explained recent conceptualizations of an
authoritarian parenting style. There are three distinct style dimensions of
parenting, including connection, the degree of warmth and acceptance displayed
with children, second being regulation, or how the parent controls the child,
and if they’re consistent with their limits on the child. Third is how much the
child is allowed to express his or herself. Within authoritarian parenting,
there are two harsh disciplinary segments. The first segment is that a parent
is using physical and verbal punishment. The second segment is that the parent
would be punishing without reason. Authoritarian parenting is seen a lot in
Chinese homes, mostly used by Chinese mothers. Also, in the study, they
“anticipated that high activity level would be met by Chinese parents with more
restrictive and harsh parenting, given the cultural expectations for modest and
reserved children” (Hulei 549). It is clear that this parenting method is used because
of Chinese tradition and culture, but what do Chinese mothers do differently
within the authoritarian parenting to stand out so much?
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| Picture from thewomenseye.com |
Kathy Seal,
the author of “Do Asian-American parents push their kids?” explained that
while most Chinese parents are perceived as overbearing and controlling, most Chinese parents do have a soft spot, and try to combine love and firmness in order to have their children succeed. Seal noted, “While the Chinese
describe their parental role as guan- which literally means “to govern” or
“control”-that word also means “to care for” and even “to love.” Amy Chua is
seen to control her daughters in everything they do, and push them over the
limit, but she rewards them with love when they succeed. For example, when
Chua’s daughter Lulu was giving up on playing an intricate piece on the piano,
at age 7, Chua said that if Lulu didn’t sit there and be able to play “The
Little White Donkey,” Lulu would be sitting at that piano bench all night.
Although Lulu cried and threw a fit and said she couldn’t do it, with time she
was able to play that cute little song, and her mother did nothing but reward
her with love after forcing her to play the song. Chua noted how her and her
daughter felt closer after that experience, and, “that night, she came to sleep
in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up.” Chua added on
this incident that, “one of the worst things you can do for your child’s
self-esteem is to let them give up.” Although Amy and other Chinese mothers and
fathers are harsh at times, they are still able to give out love, after the
rough moments of firm parenting. In a study titled, “Discipline Behaviors of
Chinese American and European American Mothers,” the author states that,
“enduring patterns seen in Chinese parenting practices include strong parental
control, expectations of child obedience, discipline, filial piety, family duty
and obligation, and a maintenance of harmony” (Jin 460). So with all the
restrictions and limitations that Chinese parents put on their children, there
are positives, that they learn after being scolded and accept love, which is
harmonious to the family. Obviously with everyone that agrees that maybe there
is a chance that Chinese parenting does have positives, there are people who
are completely against the authoritarian ways of Chinese parents.
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| Amy Chua's book, from abovethelaw.com |
After Amy
Chua came out with her book, Battle Hymn
of the Tiger Mother, as well as an article from The Wall Street Journal, many were outraged, including myself
actually. After reading Chua’s excerpt from her book about how Chinese mothers
simply do it better, I knew I had read enough, and I knew my mother and father
did a fantastic job of raising me, letting me fail in order to learn for myself, as well as choosing how I want my life to be in the
future, not letting them do it for me. I didn’t need to know how to play 5
different instruments by the age of 10 in order to consider myself successful.
Many people, including parents and other Asian-Americans, disagreed with Chua
in anger. Betty Ming Liu, an Asian-American, happened to blog about her
thoughts on Chua’s tiger mother methods. Liu wrote a blog called, “Parents like
Amy Chua are the reason why Asian-Americans like me are in therapy.” Liu stands
her ground, stating that, “Chua is a narrow-minded, joyless bigot.” Liu also
presents her thought that Chua is perpetuating dangerous ideas while
advertising her tiger mother book. One idea being that Chua is holding her
daughters as an example of success, when in reality, they have not been on this
earth long enough to even drive a car for more than a year. Also, another idea
being that Chua, in a way, is defining what “real” Chinese is, such as stating
that all Chinese mothers are superior, with their harsh tiger tactics towards
their kids, and Liu is greatly offended by Chua’s ways. Also, another woman who
is the daughter of a Chinese mother, and disagrees with claims that Chua has
made about her own parenting style. Nina Rastogi, a blogger from slate.com,
expressed her feelings about Chua, and that people shouldn’t believe that all
Chinese mothers are near the same. I like when Rastogi states, “Not all Chinese
mothers –even ones who have academically excellent, successful children-
operate like Amy Chua.” I was glad to see someone say that, especially someone
who comes from a Chinese mother. Another opinion that is against the ways of
Chua is one that I find very interesting, is from David Brooks, from The New
York Times. In Brooks’ opinion article titled, “Amy Chua is a Wimp,” Brooks
describes his feelings towards the tiger mother herself, and that her style of
parenting, and stated that, “I have the opposite problem with Chua. I believe
she’s coddling her children.” Brooks then explains his theory about the way
Chua chooses her children’s extra -curricular activities. Brooks noted that,
“She’s protecting them from the most intellectually demanding activities
because she doesn’t understand what’s cognitively difficult and what isn’t.”
For example, while Chua only believes in allowing her children to play the
violin or do school work, sleepover and hanging out with other teenage girls is
just as intellectually demanding as it is to play the violin for more than 4
hours. As a teenager you need to watch yourself and how you act around others,
learn social norms, and kind of get a feel of who you are as a person. I agree
with Brooks when he compares the two activities. It does help you grow as a
person when you learn how to act around new friends, and how to participate in
activities with them. More over Brooks agrees with Chua’s ability to push her
daughters, that it is good for them to reach over their goals. Most agree,
including me, that there are long term problems that come about with the
authoritarian style of parenting. How does this type of parenting affect the
children involved in it?
According to
Dr. Robyn Silverman, who wrote the article “Is the “Chinese Mother” Superior?
Are the Western parents missing the boat?” she stated that, “Suicide is the
second leading cause of death among Asian-American women, ages 15-24.
Asian-American women, ages 15-24 and over 65 have the highest suicide rate
across all racial/ethnic groups…and family pressures are often cited as
factors.” As unfortunate as that statistic is, along with pressure, another
cause of depression and suicides of Asian-Americans is the verbal abuse, a
tactic that is often use in authoritarian homes. Also, stated by Wendy
Grolnick, from Miller-McCune.com, “In the long run, harsh pressure harms both
achievement and psychological well-being.” Also, research has shown that kids
can do better and achieve higher when their parents are there too support and
encourage them, rather than to force and subdue their children. Furthermore,
relating to emotions, the comparative study of child temperament and parenting
noted that, “One of the more striking findings demonstrated that authoritarian
parenting was positively linked to children’s negative emotionality across each
parent-child dyad from both Chinese and American Samples” (Jin 549). In which when
Chinese or American parents are using the authoritarian ways of parenting;
their kids are likely to respond negatively than positively. Also, another
negative affect is that their children may be less social, for example, a
statistic from Gwen Dewar, “One study of 2nd graders in Beijing
found that kids from authoritarian families were rated less socially competent
by their teachers.” Although many children who are raised by the “Chinese” way
or Chua’s way are affected negatively in some way, but on the other side, many
do succeed, like one of Chua’s daughters, Sophia.
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| Amy and her daughter Sophia, picture from kaixin.com |
In the New
York Post, right around when Sophia’s mother’s book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother was released, Chua was getting
slammed for her racy book, and Sophia decided to share her part of the story
about her mother, called, “Why I love my strict Chinese Mom.” Sophia, who was
18 at the time, expresses that no one understands her mother, or her mother’s
humor, and maybe that’s why people are getting so upset, because they don’t
understand her mother’s prerogative of her book. Sophia also states that
although her mother is harsh, and has put her and her sister through hell,
there is a side to her mom that no one really sees besides their family. Sophia
also notes, “Tiger mom, you taught me that even creativity takes effort.”
Sophia is a very successful young lady, has played the piano at Carnegie Hall,
and is doing her own things these days. Sophia’s side of the story allows
people to see the tiger mom without her claws out, to see her as a loving, supporting,
and helpful mother.
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| Sophia, Amy, and Lulu, picture from The Wall Street Journal |
When I first
read, “Why Chinese Mothers are superior,” I wanted to write about how Amy is
completely wrong, and doesn’t deserve the right to be a mother, or even have
children. That was the only side I saw of Chua, the dark side of her
authoritarian parenting methods. I thought nothing was going to change my mind
about her until I read an interview with Chua, and The Wall Street Journal, titled, “The tiger mother responds to the readers.” In the interview, Chua
seems like a whole different person, she doesn’t seem like she’d be the type of
mom to call her children garbage if they disrespected her. The first question
Chua was asked if the “eastern” parenting allows children to lead
happy lives, and she replied that of course, if the parenting method is working
well, the child should become confident and happy later on in life. She also stated
that, “I also know people raised with “tough love” who are not happy and who
resent their parents.” Chua also continued to explain that, “there is no easy
formula for parenting,” and how love and compassion towards your child is a key
to success in any culture. Chua reassures many that her book is not a how-to
guide; it is just a story of her family’s journey. Statements that Chua made in
this interview really did make me feel better towards her, and that she does
have good points in her method…she is not some evil mother who chains her
daughters up to the piano and forces them to practice days on end. In the video, Amy Chua is being interviewed by News Channel 4, where she discusses the differences between eastern and western parenting, and how some methods that she has used with her daughters in her tiger mom parenting.
This style
of strict parenting, one that I did disagree with when first researching, has
allowed me to open up my angle of vision and see where this authoritarian
method comes from. Yes when reading Amy Chua’s book many believe that she is a
devil mother, and people can’t believe that parents are actually using these methods on their
children. It is clear the Chinese parents use this authoritarian method because
of their cultural, and their tradition of parenting. Maybe western parents
would benefit from using some methods from the “Chinese” way of parenting, like
really pushing their children to succeed, even if sometimes they have to force
them to do something they don't want to do. Also, eastern parents could use
some western tactics for a change, and that could allow their children to be
more social, interact better with people and have a happier outlook on life
without being scolded so harshly. Although many people disagree with Chua
forcing her daughter to play the piano till the end of the night, the daughter
could not be more proud of herself after, and I do agree when Chua expressed
how important it is to not let your child give up, that will only teach them to
give up when things get difficult. People disagree with Chua’s approach to
raising children, but maybe they should look more into Amy, what she really is
about, and how this type of parenting isn’t just about teaching your children
how to play the violin for hours. I look back now when I was in 5th
grade, and how Lillian was controlled by her parents, with school and the
violin, and her parents used authoritarian parenting. Although Lillian wasn’t
able to come over my house and enjoy time with friends, and although she was a
victim of child abuse, Lillian has allowed herself to grow as a person and into
an amazing young lady. I don’t know how Lillian feels, I don’t know if she is
depressed or angry towards her parents, but she is going to an Ivy league
school, has an incredible ability to play the violin, and there is no doubt in
my mind that she will continue the “Chinese” way of parenting with kids of her
own in the future, and allow them to be just as successful as she is now.
Works Cited
Hulei, Elaine, Andrea A. Zevenbergen, and Sue C. Jacobs. "Discipline Behaviors Of Chinese American And European American Mothers." Journal Of Psychology 140.5 (2006): 459-475. Academic Search Complete. Web. 20 Feb. 2012.
Jin Shenghua, et al. "A Comparative Study Of Child Temperament And Parenting In Beijing, China And The Western United States." International Journal Of Behavioral Development 29.6 (2005): 541-551. Academic Search Complete. Web. 20 Feb. 2012.
